NB January 2022: This silly parody of Lewis Carroll's classic is something that I wrote in mid-2017. It was an attempt at catharsis after the disastrous political events of 2016. Some of it is pretty good, IMHO, and some of it is ... meh. Reading through it just now I'm having a hard time remembering some of the cultural references that are made here, even though I wrote the damned thing.
Someday somebody ought to write an epic poem about the whole damned godawful four years of the Trump presidency, but that somebody ain't gonna be me. It's all just too painful to think about.
Through The Looking Glass (with apologies to Lewis Carroll)
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Agreed to have a great battle!
They fibbed, and they lied, and they vied just to see
Whose words made the loudest rattle!
They invented attacks that never were
In places they’d never been:
“Like Bowling Green!” said Tweedle-her;
“Atlanta!” said Tweedle-him.
And they did what they did for a man that they love:
An orange and belligerent POTUS.
They gave truth a push, they gave it a shove,
They put the whole planet on notice!
And notice it did, and a chorus of cries
Sprang up from the popular press:
“Your words are all full of ridiculous lies!”
“You’ve created a terrible mess!”
But Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Were not to be dissuaded,
And their sowing of fear, and their fibbing with glee
Continued unabated.
Just then the belligerent POTUS,
Known to all as the Tweedler-in-Chief,
And so lonely without his dear FLOTUS,
Started tweedling a beef:
“My daughter is being abused!”
He tweedled from an unsecured phone.
“I am not at all amused!”
He thundered from his seat on the throne.
It seems that her fine line of clothing
Contained items that no one would buy!
Perhaps t'was the fear, or the loathing,
Or her prices were simply too high!
So quick to the daughter’s defense,
Tweedledee spoke straight off the cuff.
But she committed a terrible offense
When she blurted, “Go buy Ivanka’s stuff!”
Everyone howled disapproval:
"You simply can't say such a thing!"
"We demand your immediate removal!
You've QVC'd our beloved West Wing!"
Thus Tweedledee, esteemed Counselor,
Found herself shunned by the press!
T'was determined appropriate to counsel her,
But she babbled away nevertheless!
The Tweedler then sought a new proxy,
And he found a young man known as Miller;
Though possessed of considerable moxie,
He had the face of a serial killer!
Miller left everyone mortified
When he said, "Powers should not be questioned!"
Since he seem'd capable of homicide,
And immune from being Jeff Sessioned!
Tweedledum then found himself jealous
At the focus on his colleague's travails,
So the things that he started to tell us
Made us think he'd gone straight off the rails!
So nuts were the things he'd contrive,
That none could believe what they'd heard!
And though parodied on Saturday Night Live,
His own theatre was far more absurd!
But his show was soon overshadowed
By a soldier whose last name was Flynn,
And who found himself sling'd, and then arrow'd
After committing a terrible sin!
It seems Flynn had a fondness for Russians;
He kept calling them up on the phone!
That had terrible repercussions
As the Tweedler-in-Chief should've known!
Flynn was a major distraction
To the Tweedler in Chief's grand design,
So the Tweedler finally sprang into action,
And poor Flynn was then forced to resign!
The land was then touch'd by the Tweedler's small hands:
There was a government yet to be run!
There were Muslim bans and health care plans
To be done and undone and redone!
But 'round and 'round in a hundred-day circle
Nothing ever seemed to progress!
Awkward meetings with Angela Merkel
Emphasized the Chief's lack of success!
But the Tweedler cared not, safe in the knowledge
Of a fait accompli most sublime:
His win in the Electoral College
Was simply the greatest of all time!
He said, "I will conference with the press,
And show a red map of the nation!"
"It proves what I wish to express:
I deserve your complete adulation!"
"Nothing less than that will suffice!"
"I care not for your personal views!"
"Report my greatness in a manner precise!"
"Anything else is simply fake news!"
It then fell to poor Tweedledum alone
To spin a message quite weird;
Because it finally became known:
Tweedledee had just disappeared!
They looked ev'rywhere - even under the cushions
Of the couch that her knees once had graced,
And in all of the institutions
Where she might have been quietly placed.
But suddenly everyone's attention
Turned to words from a woman named Yates,
Who created considerable tension
When she told us Flynn was in desperate straits!
What Yates told us then seem'd abundantly clear:
The Feds aren't yet done! Not at all!
And the truth will emerge, if we persevere,
Like an open Matroyshka Doll!
The Tweedler then realized it was time to act:
He decided to fire James Comey!
And with the show-boating G-man finally sacked,
He could hire a Tweedler homey!
But an uproar ensued! There was hell to pay!
These were shades of old Tricky Dicky!
And the stench of this DC power play
Caused a situation quite sticky!
Tweedledum fielded questions no bushes could slow:
"Would the Tweedler really blow it?"
"And just what did the Tweedler really know?"
"And just when did the Tweedler know it?"
Tweedledee then returned! In the nick of time!
Prompting Anderson C. to enquire.
But with answers as caustic as hydrated lime,
She set Anderson's eyeballs on fire!
Even Dee realized then: These flames were a warning!
A destructive use of her power!
She'd confessed it to Joe and Mika one morning
And headed straight home for a shower.
The Tweedler pressed on with affairs of state;
Meeting Russians! A fat diplomat!
And leaving us all to speculate
On the extent of his kompromat.
On and on it went, our new national malaise,
In a world of alternative facts;
Seem'd like years that occurred in a matter of days,
As when time eternal contracts.
We'll be telling this tale with a collective sigh,
Ages hence, when we're all very numb;
And to scholars who ask us "Why?
Pray tell us, why?"
We'll be obliged to say:
"We were all
Very
Tweedle
Dumb."
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